Newly in love is wonderful - but not all couples go together. We tell you which factors are decisive for a long-term happy partnership
Do we actually fit together? Many couples ask themselves this question in the course of their relationship - some at the very beginning, when their future together is still in the stars, others as soon as the first conflicts become apparent after a while. In my experience, the answer to that is sometimes not as obvious as one might think. The realization often takes a bit of time. I met someone a few years ago and wanted to find out as quickly as possible how well we fit together. After all, there is no time to waste, I thought. So first of all I did a rather impersonal "Do we fit together" test on the Internet, in which it was already clear when answering the questions what the result would be. And: Allegedly we were the couple of the millennium, a great match - allegedly.
You and me: do we fit together?
It wasn't until later that I realized how well we really fit together. At first I was happy: Compatible eating habits, the preference for good novels, coffee and summer rain, plus an almost identical taste in music. Bingo! Apparently I was able to share my life with this man. But then I realized pretty quickly that “my life” contains so much more than that. And that a similar taste does not mean that two people like us are a good match in the long term. On sunny weekends, for example, I would be drawn out of bed early and outside, while he got up late and then liked to draw the curtains. While I cultivated my friendships as well as the close ties to my family, he placed little value on social ties. While I wanted to plan the future and put some money aside every month, he squandered the rest and lived through the day. The “do we fit together” test had clearly lied.
How well do we fit together - in the future?
First of all, we said to each other: “Okay, even if some things don't exactly fit us one hundred percent - we can do it together if we really want to. But wanting alone didn't help and we parted. I broke up to be precise. It had become clear to me that it is not the obvious similarities that guarantee a long-term, harmonious relationship, but deeper things, such as values and views on life that match. And even today we don't fit together in this regard, because as far as Facebook and Co. tell me, he has still not found a way for himself - and maybe not even looking for it. On the other hand, as a grown woman, I want to lead a reasonably orderly life, have a job that fulfills me and makes money, and soon want to start a family. With a partner I can rely on and with whom I can feel anew every day how well we fit together - today as well as tomorrow.
The crux of the matter with the “do we fit together” test
The question should therefore not be “Do we fit together?”, But rather “How well do we fit together for the rest of our lives and in all matters that go with it?” What values have education, social environment and media conveyed to us, according to which maxims do we lead our lives, how do we deal with our finances, what political and religious views do we hold? Are we honest, caring, hardworking, helpful, what is our attitude towards our own children and where do we want to be in ten years? These are the similarities that tell us whether we can share a life. Our base as a couple. The basis on which you make every single decision, whether it only affects you or your partnership. A "do we fit together" test that only compares superficialities tends not to recognize this. I memorized it once and for all.